Boobs Are Not My Friends

Even when they tried to kill me, I didn't hold any ill will against my boobs.  It wasn't their fault, after all.  It was something in my environments somewhere in my lifetime that exposed me to cancer, not my breasts themselves, per say.  Yet, after all I've been through, I'm beginning to not trust my girls - real or fake.

After a double mastectomy at the end of January to ensure that cancer couldn't hurt us again, I lived with two, rock-hard, spheres that were a little too close to my armpits for comfort.  They made it difficult to sleep, though I must say the ability and freedom to go bra-less all summer was liberating!  I was so excited when the whole ordeal was going to be over and I was going to replace the rock-hard "expanders" with permanent, saline implants!  Wrong.  Even the fake ones have something against me!

I had what I thought would be my final reconstructive surgery on September 18th.  I took a week off of work so that I could recuperate - even though the plastic surgeon told me I could go back to work as soon as the next day if I really wanted to.  One week after the surgery, on Monday, September 24th I went to the doctor for my post-op visit and they said everything looked good.  I still had a drain in either side, but was given the okay to return to work.  I felt fine.  My energy was good.  Why not?  I had told my district office that I'd only need one week and they agreed I wouldn't have to file for a new year of FMLA leave.

I went back to work on Wednesday.  My students were happy to see me and I was happy to see them.  They wanted to know how things went, and I shared my experience with them.  It was homecoming week, so I was able to dress in ways that helped disguise my drains.  On Friday, we had a pep assembly.   Sitting toward the top of the bleachers, I began to feel flushed.  I had felt this way almost every night since my surgery, but thought that was just a side-effect.  I also was frustrated that I was assigned to the top bleachers where the trouble-makers sit while other teachers were not even IN their assigned spots.  Whatever.  As I drove home immediately after the assembly, I realized that my right breast was sore.  It felt somewhat like when I had had breast infections while breast-feeding.  I picked up my youngest son from school, stopped home for a quick pit-stop, and took both of the boys to swimming lessons.  The pain and temperature got worse.  I called the surgeon as soon as I got home.  I explained that I'd been back to work for three days and that I felt similar to when I'd had breast infections in past.  The doctor said it was probably over-exertion.  He told me to take it easy over the weekend and rest and he'd see me first thing on Monday morning.  I slept most of Friday night and Saturday, feeling feverish and sore.  I felt a little better on Sunday and then went for my appointment on Monday morning.

The physician's assistant  took one look at my breast and was certain I had an infection.  She was going to give me a stronger dose of antibiotics to take but wanted to call the surgeon who was in another office just to get his opinion.  When she came back into the room she said he wanted me to check in at the hospital where he wanted them to give me some stronger IV antibiotics.  I asked how long I'd be there and she said it would at least be over night.

I called Beni to let him know what was going on, called work to let them know things weren't looking good and I probably wouldn't be in all week.  I drove home to get some clean undies and a book and my laptop and headed back to the hospital.  I checked in and was taken to a room.  It seemed to take forever to get an actually IV hooked up to me.  My veins are in hiding, so finding a good one took a while.  Then, because it was such an unexpected admission, it took forever for the nurses to figure out what exactly my surgeon wanted.  I was given alternating does of Zocyn and Vankomyocin (sp).  During the first round of the V-stuff, I realized I had a slight allergy to it.  It made my scalp and neck and chest itch like CRAZY!  Like no amount of scratching was bringing any relief.  From then on, I was given a healthy dose of Benadryl along with it, which of course made me fall asleep.  That went on until Wednesday morning when the doctor came to check me out for a second time, and seeing no improvement, decided he'd remove the infected implant, clean out the "pocket" and put in a clean implant.

So, fifteen days after the reconstructive surgery, I was back in the OR.  I stayed in the hospital until Thursday, the 4th and then came home where I await nervously.

This was supposed to be the easy part.  I was supposed to have my last surgery and be on my merry way.  Now, I think I am more nervous than at any time in the entire experience (with the exception of the diagnosis itself) because there is no knowing whether or not another infection can occur.  Granted, I am trying to stay hopeful and I have not had any of the evening flushes or slight temperatures I had the first time around, so I am taking that as a positive sign.

 I have found a healthy respect for boobs, both real and fake and I'm hoping the fake ones residing in my body right now take it easy on me.  It's kind of like Beni's cell-phone ring-tone from "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly".  I'm at one end of the road, my boobs at the other, guns drawn.  Hopefully, at some point in the next few days, we'll lower our guns, slowly approach each other and shake hands.

The End is Near!

I can't believe that the last time I posted was in April!  Where has the time gone?  Now that my treatment is almost done, and I look back at this year, it seems to have FLOWN by!  Thank goodness!  Part of the reason that I haven't posted more often was technical difficulties and being unable to log on to my personal blogspot account due to a second blog I started for school.  Regardless, here is an update.

Raditation ended at the end of May.  It was a simple, painless process that left me with a tan square around my right breast and a somewhat bad burn under my right armpit that fortunately cleared up in time for me to wear a one shoulder dress for my nephew's wedding on June 16th.  I had to use a vaseline-like cream on my breasts every day to keep the skin soft and supple.

Again, the people at the CDH Cancer Center in Warrenville were outstanding!  I never got tired of going there, even though it was an every weekday occurrence.  They are so friendly and positive and throughout this entire process, if I've learned anything, it's that staying positive is key!

My summer was quiet and relaxing.  I still went for infusions of Herceptin every three weeks but there are not side-effects with this medicine and it IS my life-saver.  Because of it, my tumor shrunk down to nothing before my mastectomy.  In mid-August, I went back to my plastic surgeon and he was impressed at how great my skin looked thanks to daily doses of the vaseline-like cream, which I hated using because it was sticky and gross, but obviously did its job.  At that point we scheduled reconstruction surgery for September 18th.

I was a little worried that after the surgery my "Summer of Freedom" would be over.  I was able to go bra-less since January and it was AWESOME!  I thought the new breasts would be jigglier, but really they are not and I will be able to continue to go bra-less if I choose!  Yay!  Gotta take the perks wherever you can find 'em!

The surgery went well and my surgeon was especially excited with my results.  I saw "the new girls" for the first time yesterday and they do look pretty good.   The surgery involved getting the rock-hard expanders removed, putting in the permanent implants which are garaunteed for the next 30 years, a little liposuction to remove some belly fat to use around the implants to make them look more natural.  I currently have two drains which must stay in for about a week.  Fingers crossed that they can come out on Monday and I can go back to work on Wednesday.  I have to keep my the stitches below each breast dressed and clean but those should dissolved on their own.  I have stitches in a few places on my upper chest where the surgeon injected the belly fat, and those will be removed in his office in a couple of weeks.  Therefore, I still look a little like Frankenstein, but when the stitches are gone and the marker drawings washed off, I will post a before and after pic - in a tank top of course!

At my Sept. 13th Herceptin infusion, I learned that my next visit will be my last!  After that, all I will need is to get my nipples tattooed and I will be DONE!

When I think about all that has happened in the last year, it blows my mind.  At this time, one year ago, I was bald and feeling sick every weekend.  I sometimes become nauseated just remembering.   I am so grateful for all the support and love I got throughout this journey.  I will be missing the Walk for the Cure this year - only because it is happening this weekend and I didn't know how I'd feel to walk a 5K after surgery - but get those donations ready for next fall!

Radiation Begins

It's been a little while, but there really hasn't been anything new or exciting to post.   I have been able to enjoy feeling good and not having chemo.  My hair is continuing to grow.  Work is going well and life feels back to normal.  On April 11th, I had the first visit to the radiologist since the consultation appointment and I was measured for radiation treatments.  They had me lay on a table and took measurements and drew x's on clear stickers on my chest.  They lined up laser beams and made a pillow mold for my head to rest in so that I am always in the same position.  That was it.  From the sound of it, the worst side effect will be a sun-burn-like irritation to my skin at the site.  I can handle that.

On the 18th I had my first treatment.  They had to take a few x-rays before doing the actual treatment, so it took a little longer than it typically would.  The following day I went in again.  When I lay on the table, the song, "Call Me" by Blondie came on.  I was done just as the song was ending.  Quick and painless.  I have five more weeks of this, daily.  The stickers are still on, but they said they'd give me dot tattoos after the first few treatments, once they knew for sure everything was lining up as it should be.  I'm actually looking forward to knowing how the tattoo gun will feel.

I have to give credit to the great employees at CDH Cancer Center in Warrenville.  I would never wish cancer on anyone, but I highly recommend the place if anyone ever is diagnosed.  The nurses and technicians in both the chemo and radiation departments are wonderful!  They are the kind of people that make me think, "I could see myself hanging out with these people."  I really think I'll miss them when I won't see them anymore.  I used to think I'd get sick of that place, but to date, that has not been the case.

For anyone who didn't see the news on Facebook, our family got a new addition on March 11th.  The boys got a furry, four-legged little sister, Luna.  She is a Shitzu/Chihuahua/Terrier mix and the cutest little wiry, white puppy with tan spots and ears.  We love her!  Well, most of us do.  Beni takes no responsibility for her since he didn't want her (though he does let her out once in a while) and Frankie likes her one minute but is jealous of her and hates her the next.  She has a super-sweet disposition and like her "mama" she loves napping, especially in the sunshine!  She's my snuggle-buddy.

Hopefully radiation will go on without a hitch, but I will try to update again in the next couple of weeks.

An Unbelievable Show of Love and Appreciation

This week I had the most incredible experience. My school "family" welcomed me back to work by holding a flash mob in my honor.

It all started during my medical leave. One day I checked my work email from home and came across an email a dear friend in my department, Chris, sent out to all of the faculty at my school. Well, being one of the faculty, the email came to me, too. It said that she was planning a surprise for me upon my return and wanted to get as many faculty and students involved as possible. I told Beni about it, but otherwise, pretended I knew nothing.

On Monday, March 5th I returned to work and got many "Welcome back"s and hugs from both colleagues and students. I really felt I had been missed. I began to suspect something was going to happen on Wednesday, when Chris asked me on Tuesday if I'd be around Wednesday after school. Sure enough, Wednesday during the last period of the day, Chris was walking around with her camera. My team teacher for the last class of the day, Kathy, who usually leaves right after work, stuck around the classroom much longer than usual making excuses for having to look for student work in the class folder. When she offered to rearrange books in my classroom library, I knew something was going on for sure!

So, I kind of braced myself. I thought maybe a small group of students and staff would come into my room and do a cute song and dance number. Little did I know . . .

A couple of girls with pink hats walked by my classroom and started to sing Bette Midler's "Wing Beneath My Wings". I went into the hallway to see what was going on. Chris met me at my door and told me she'd just come from the office and that there was a delivery for me and I should go and see what it was. I played along and she said she'd come with me. We headed down the stairs and a small group of students were putting on a skit on the first landing. One was dressed in black and was being beaten by three brightly colored, masked "good guys". I didn't realize it at the time, but they were the "good guys" beating the "bad guy" (cancer). In fact, I thought they were fighting at first.

We continued down the stairs and at the bottom was the school's GSA club, which I helped start years ago but just stepped down from this year, cheering for me and holding up signs. I started to cry at that point, but there were far more tears to come. Outside of the stair well was my fellow teacher, dressed in Renaissance regalia. He crowned me with a tiara and escorted me down the hallway. Other teachers and students began to follow us down the hall, all singing "Wind Beneath My Wings".

When we got to the school's main hallway, I was blown away. The hall was lined with students, teachers, counselors, and secretaries all cheering for me and holding signs of support and welcome. More tears. I had to keep telling myself not to "ugly cry". I was handed a beautiful bouquet of roses. Members of the school's Operation Snowball club hung a gigantic "warm fuzzy", which is a big pom pom made of yarn, around my neck. (You use your strands of yarn to tie on others' "warm fuzzies" when you pay them a compliment and vice versa.) Then we walked into the auditorium lobby where the dance team and cheerleaders - along with anyone who wanted to join them, danced to "Survivor" by Destiny's Child. Then they did a cheer in my honor, holding up the letters of my name.

Needless to say, I was moved beyond words. Never in my wildest imaginings did I think so many people would turn up to welcome me back. I felt like a celebrity. There were many hugs and photos taken and I went home that night feeling high on love. Actually, I think I'm going to be on this high for quite a long time.

Here's a four minute, edited, highlight clip from the 20+ minute experience:

And now, like a celebrity, there are many people that I need to thank.

Heartfelt thanks go out to:

Christina Boyles, for organizing this amazing event and being the sweetest soul I know

Stacey Welton, for leading the students in song

Kyle Welton for his choreography and his darling girlfriend, whose name I forget, for videotaping

Jake Stewart, for holding me up when my legs were weak

Heather Curry and GSA

Operation Snowball

Sheila Conrad, the best principal I've ever worked with

Clayton Muhammad, EA's very own paparazzi

The Dance Team

The Cheerleaders

All of the teachers and staff who attended, especially those in my department and those who participated in the flashmob

All of the students who came to show their support - many of whom I don't even know

This was an experience I will NEVER EVER forget! I love my EA Family!

Back by Popular Demand

I can't tell you how flattering it is to hear that people out there are waiting for the lastest update to my blog. (K.M. this one is dedicated to you!) It has been a long time and I have no excuse since I have been sitting at home relaxing. The good news is that I have A LOT to write about this time!

I want to say a big thank you to everyone who sent cards and gifts to us as I recovered. Your thoughtfulness is so appreciated. We enjoyed four Edible Arrangements, a Harry & David fruit and nut basket, roses, a plant, Shari's Berries, a yummy casserole, and many generous gift cards.

It seems like it took forever, but I am finally drain-free. I started off after surgery with four drains coming out of my sides - two on each side right under my armpit. On my one week post-op visit, two drains came out. After two weeks, the doctor gave me the go ahead to take showers again. I was so thankful to be able to shower that the nuisance of having to string my drains around my neck on a shoestring to do so was welcomed! It wasn't until three weeks after that the third was removed and four weeks after that the last one came out. That was this past Monday and I cannot tell you what a difference it has made! Not having that unsightly lump under my clothes has been liberating and I feel like I can go out in public again and, in fact, have.

This week was kind of up-in-the-air as far as work went. I felt ready enough to go back to work but couldn't go until the drain came out. The doctor was concerned about exposing the drain entrance to germs. Also, my long-term sub was wrapping up the lessons he had begun with my students, Thursday was a half day, and Friday was an in-service day, so I opted to take the week off and dedicate it to preparing myself for my return to work on Monday, March 5th. On Tuesday, I went out and did a little long-awaited shopping and got the new-growth around my eyebrows waxed. That's right! There is enough to get waxed! Hooray! On Wednesday, I got my hair colored. I guess now I can safely say that my natural color is gray, but I am not ready at 42 to be totally gray. I went back to my pre-cancer brown. It came out reddish at first, but my fabulous colorist did something to it to darken it and luckily it worked. Unfortunately, the darker color made the lack of hair above my forehead more obvious, which I am a little self-conscious about, but I am getting used to it and refusing to put my wig on again! That ship has sailed!

Thursday was a big day because in the evening I attended Parent Teacher Conferences. It seems absolutely ridiculous, but I was more nervous about going to conferences and seeing all of my colleagues - and more importantly them seeing me with my super-short hair - for the first time since taking leave. I literally felt nauseous as I dressed and then drove to school. I knew this was crazy since I had not even felt this anxious before my double mastectomy. Once there, everyone was so nice and complemented me, which made me feel so much better. I saw many of my students and they were all happy to see me and asked how I was doing and many gave me hugs. By the end of the night, I felt much less self-conscious. I'm sure there will be a couple of smart-ass students who will have something dumb to say when I return to work on Monday (most of which I expect to come from my 9th period), but the support I got Thursday night will help me brush off their immature comments.

Sleeping has also gotten so much better with the last drain out. I am now able to sleep on my sides again which has been fantastic. When I still had two drains in, I was sleeping on the living room couch, which gave me enough support to lay somewhat on my side without smashing the drains and collections bulbs. Now I am back in my bed and so glad to be there!

If you are hoping to see a picture of my new darker do, here it comes. As I uploaded the picture I was looking at some older ones and it is amazing how much my hair has grown in just the last month! Take a look:

This is soon after coming home from the hospital after surgery, sometime in the first week of February. I can tell because I can see the cumbersome surgi-bra under my shirt:

Here I am on Wednesday, February 29th before getting my hair colored:

And this is me, today, March 3rd, about one month later with dark hair again. I call it The Uber-Pixie:

Notice the eyebrows, too! Once those puppies started showing up, they grew super-fast. My eyelashes are also long enough to use a little mascara! Yay!

On Monday I will be back to work full-time and can't wait. I have missed my colleagues and my students so much and can't wait to get off my butt and back into the swing of things.

I still have a few more appointments in March with the plastic surgeon to get my expanders filled. Right now, I'd say I'm probably at about a B cup. I'd like to get up to a C at minimum and maybe even a small D if possible, but we'll see how it feels. The weird thing about expanders is that your new breasts feel like solid rocks. I am getting used to the feeling but in the beginning it is strange. You don't have the movement you'd have with real breasts or even implants. I suppose it's convenient for exercising, so there isn't a lot of flopping going on, but sleeping is strange. As I've said before, I'm a side sleeper, and was used to my breasts kind of sloping down when I turned. Not anymore. There's one rock against the mattress and another under my arm. The surgeon said this will not be the case when the permanent implants are put in later, but for now it is just a matter of getting used to them. I explained it to Beni like this: Imagine going to bed with shoulder pads on. It would be heavy and uncomfortable. Now imagine that feeling in your chest. The great thing is that since I got the last drain out I have been going bra-less! It is AWESOME! I usually wear a tank top because I find it a little naughty not to have anything between me and my shirt, but I am loving it! Don't know if I'll be able to get away with this when the implants are in, so I'm enjoying it while I can!

Once the expanders are filled I will start radiation. I met with the radiologist and she said that if we were one year in the future, I probably wouldn't have to have radiation at all since the cancer is gone, but since studies are still in progress and there is not yet a definitive study that says radiation is totally unnecessary in my case, we are going to play it safe. I am fine with that. Better safe than sorry, I say, and it seems the process will be nothing compared to chemo. The way I see it, the hard part is over. Chemo and major surgery are behind me. I'm over the hump and it will be all downhill from here!

Prayers Answered with a Small Miracle

Yesterday we went to the breast surgeon for a follow-up appointment. She checked my surgery site and said everything looked good but mostly wanted to discuss the pathology report. She said she had already told me this information, but perhaps I had misunderstood her or maybe I was still drowsy from the anesthesia, but she said that when she opened me up to remove the tumor there was nothing there. NOTHING THERE! My 16 chemo treatments and especially my 12 doses of Herceptin had completely eradicated my cancer! She said she had never seen that before with Invasive Lobular Cancer. I was lucky because my type was HER+ which made me a candidate for Herceptin and that made all the difference. So, so exciting to hear! My lymph nodes were, obviously, also cancer-free.

I can't help but think back to telling my mom that my oncologist was recommending Herceptin as part of my treatment. My mom, whose cancer was also HER+ over 10 years ago, was so excited because she was part of the trial for the drug and told me that even back then, they were calling Herceptin a "miracle drug". Well, I can vouch for that!

I assume, for the sake of insuring that the cancer is gone and will stay away that I will still undergo radiation and continued Herceptin treatment through August, but I will post an update regarding that after talking to my oncologist. My next appointment is the 16th and at that time I will also make an introductory visit to the radiologist as well.

Again, I want to say a heartfelt thank you to everyone who has prayed for me and my family and thought positive thoughts on my behalf. You are all part of the miracle. Never before in my life have I felt as loved as I do now. I seriously feel I am being virtually hugged by all of you, all day, every day. That love and support has been a HUGE part of my journey. Love to you all!

Recuperation Update

On Monday, Beni took me to the plastic surgeon's office for a follow-up. I was hoping to have all four drains removed, but the physician's assistant said that she could only remove two, seeing as the two remaining ones were still collecting a substantial amount of fluid. Hopefully this will slow down enough to get them removed next Monday. She also said that she hopes to be able to insert some more fluid into the expanders next week, too. Maybe then I'll be an A cup. This also means that taking a real shower is still out of the question for another week. Ew. In the mean time I will make the most of damp washcloth baths.

Now that I have only two drains to clean twice daily, and less soreness in my arms, I am cleaning them myself. Beni still has to help change the dressings on my incisions and around the drains. Sleeping is better than in the hospital, yet not comfortable. As a side sleeper, it is hard to get comfortable on my back, especially when I am sitting up all day and then laying flat all night. My back and butt are getting tired of always being in the same position.

This morning Beni and I went on a 15 minute walk around our block just to get some exercise and fresh air. It was awesome!

I've been spending a lot of time on Facebook and Pinterest and have found a fun new site called Polyvore where I can create outfits. Lots of time-wasters. I have tried to read Bram Stoker's Dracula for school, but cannot get into it, so I changed over to Dicken's Great Expectations which I am liking a bit better. I wish I didn't have to get those done so I could enjoy something of my own choosing, but I guess I'll have to wait for summer to do that. This time off is definitely relaxing, though.

Tomorrow we go for a follow up visit to the breast surgeon who, I assume, will discuss the pathology report with us. She already called to say that there were no traces of cancer in the lymph node they removed, but we will probably get all the details tomorrow. Stay tuned . . .