Latest Obsession

My latest obsession has been watching the daily non-progress of my eyebrows and eyelashes. I have researched it on the web, and they do take longer to grow back than the hair on my head, but I'm ready to have them back!

My other newest obsession is Pinterest and the combination is lethal. I find myself scrolling through pictures in the "Hair and Beauty" section looking for the perfectly-shaped eyebrow to model my own after when they grow in. Below is one of my faves:

When I watch t.v., I find myself looking at every female actress's eyes and admiring their make up, wishing I had eyelashes, too.

Maybe this is just my way of keeping distracted and not thinking about my up-coming surgery in less than a week. Maybe, but maybe not. I just really want my eyebrows and eyelashes back!

Something Sweet, Surgery Date and a Hair Update

First for something sweet . . . My friend Megan sent me a picture that her daughter Madelyn made at school for a first grade Martin Luther King Jr. "I have a dream project." It says, "I have a dream that no one will be sick." When Megan first saw it she said, "Oh, that's nice," but Madelyn clarified for her, "So people like Miss Fran won't get sick and will feel better." God bless my little friend Madelyn.

Last Tuesday I drove through the snow to an appointment with my breast surgeon. She checked me out and noted that the tumor had gotten smaller but that I would still need to have a mastectomy. I expected as much. I told her that I was opting to have a double mastectomy since my other breast contains several fatty and liquid-filled cysts and I am concerned that those may make it difficult to detect possible cancerous growths in the future. She said that was a valid reason and agreed to do the double mastectomy. She told me she works with my plastic surgeon on Tuesdays and how asked how next week sounded. Next week?!!! I didn't think doctors worked that fast. I was not prepared for that on many different levels. This coming Tuesday is the first day of a new semester, I have no lesson plans prepared for a long-term sub AND a week wouldn't give me ample time to contemplate the whole ordeal and prepare myself mentally. We decided to go with January 31st so that I can get to know my students for a couple of weeks and get lessons ready for a substitute. I will be requesting a month off, but will be hoping to return after two or three weeks.

As for my hair. Since I see it every day in the mirror, I don't think it has grown much. But when I took the photos below and compared them to the ones taken at the end of December, I an see an improvement.



Hopefully by the time my recovery time from surgery is over and I go back to work my hair will be long enough to color and I can get rid of the wig! My new concern is my eyebrows and eyelashes. I find myself staring at other people's eyelashes with envy. Every day I look in the mirror, hoping for some sign of new growth, but nothing.

So that's my latest update. I know that those of you who read this are always praying for us, but say a special prayer on Jan. 31st. I am a little nervous - not so much about the surgery itself, but about how it will feel coming out of it. I have never had a major surgery in my life and have only been under general anaesthesia once before for an orthoscopic procedure and I remember that feeling really bizarre. I know I will be fine, but I can't help but worry a little. Hopefully, like all I've been through already, this aspect of the journey will be smooth and relatively pain-free, too.

Will Work for Implants

So, last week we got our bill from the visit to the plastic surgeon. I'm going to have you guess how much it was for, but here is some more information, so you can make an educated guess:

This was the first time we set eyes on this man. The appointment was basically a consultation to meet with the doctor that my breast surgeon and oncologist recommended to do my reconstructive surgery after the mastectomy. We were probably in the office no more than 30 to 45 minutes and we were in the physical presence of the plastic surgeon for 20 minutes tops and that is being really generous. He explained the procedure and looked at and felt my boobs for maybe 60 seconds. Now, I am not saying that his job isn't important, or trying to downplay his expertise, but I do not think that in any way was our time with this man worth this much money. I shudder to think what the price tag will be when I have to go in weekly to get my "spacers" filled and thank God for insurance because the cost of two surgeries could probably buy me a small island in the Caribbean!

So, did you guess? If not, do so now. My short, informal appointment cost $400. Luckily, we only had to pay $15. but still I find it absolutely ridiculous. As Beni said, "I got into the wrong profession!" Granted, I could never have become a surgeon - I couldn't cut into the frog in high school biology class, let alone another human being, but even if I could have, I can't imagine making that much money for less than half an hour of work! Let's say he sees three patients an hour for six hours a day. That would mean he makes $7,200. a day. I make that in about two months if not more! That's not including surgeries that I'm sure he does weekly! Yikes!

So, unlike Beni who feels he should have become a doctor, I have to look at things more realistically. I didn't have the good grades in science to get me there, so instead, I should have hung out with more pre-med majors and MARRIED a doctor!

Seriously, though, I have to ask why. Does he charge this just because he can? All I did was sit in a room. The only cost was for the cleaning of the gown I wore and the paper that had to be replaced on the patient table after I left the room. What about that appointment cost $400.? Is it his expertise? His charm and good looks? Why isn't my expertise as a teacher worth as much?

I'll just end by saying again how grateful I am for good insurance. Thank you District 204 for having Blue Cross/Blue Shield and for covering our butts. If it wasn't for them, my family would be out on the streets. You'd see me on the median of New York Ave. and Rt. 59 with a cardboard sign, "Will work for implants." : )

Hair!

Ever since I had to shave my head in late August because the chemo was causing my hair to fall out, I felt like I looked like a witch. It finally occurred to me why I thought this. It all stemmed from my favorite childhood television show, Sesame Street. I recalled a little sketch that I'd seen probably about a thousand times between the ages of two and ten (I have two younger siblings), when Sesame Street was "brought to me by the letter W" about a witch named Wanda who takes off her wig to show a spiky bald head. Well, having what some people call "Google-heimers", which is when you think of something you want to look up on the internet and then forget what it was by the time you get to a computer, it took me until now to find the clip. Here it is for you - the reason I felt like a bald witch:

A lot of people have asked, so I assume that a lot more are curious. They want to know, when you lose your hair on your head, do you lose your hair everywhere? The answer is yes and no. I can't speak for everyone, but personally, I lost hair everywhere - yes, everywhere - except for my arms. Don't ask me why the hair on my arms did not fall off, but it didn't. Eyebrows, eyelashes, legs, armpits - gone. Best. Brazilian. Ever.

It is starting to grow back ever so slowly. For the past month and a half or so the hair on my head has been growing in. It is a super-fine, downy-soft fuzz that the chemo nurses tell me is just the beginning of new hair growth. The really toxic chemo I had in my first round which made the hair fall out in the first place has worn off and since the second round chemo isn't as toxic as the first, it has started coming back in. Once I finish chemo completely - one more appointment- then real hair - not just feathery-soft stuff - will start to come in.

The unfortunate part of my re-growth is that my hair is coming in totally gray. I have had to color my grays for years and in that time I have said that I would bet that if I stopped dying my hair it would be totally gray, and guess what? I was right! If there is any dark hair left, it is all in the back. What I can see when I look in the mirror is gray and right around my face - totally white. Thanks to my late Nonna Carmela for passing on that gene! Take a look:

It's so fine, that it's hard to see:

Here's a closer look:

And an even closer look:

So, it looks like I'll be wearing my wig for a while yet. Unless this gray hair looks totally stylin', which I seriously doubt it will, I'll have to wait until it's long enough to color again. Will it be three different shades of brown since it's white in the front, gray in the middle and dark in back? Time will have to tell. In the meantime, I'll keep you posted of the return of hair!

The Twelve Days of Chemo

In honor of the holiday season and my last chemo treatment next week on December 29th, I've written a little spoof:

On the twelfth day of treatment, my chemo gave to me,

Twelve days of nausea,

Eleven missing tastebuds,

Ten toes a'numbing,

Nine Benadryl naps,

Eight veins a'hiding,

Seven food aversions,

Six days of recoop,

Five minute showers,

Four hour visits,

Three eyelashes,

Two missing eyebrows,

And one fuzz-covered, bald head!

Happy Holidays!

A Brand New Set of Girls and a Poll

This morning Beni and I went to meet my plastic surgeon, Dr. Sigalove. First impression - he is super cute! : ) I'm sure Beni would have given me a hard time about choosing him if it wasn't that he had been recommended to me by my oncologist and breast surgeon. The fact that he is adorable is just a perk. More importantly, he is a talented surgeon and head of his department at CDH, who will create, for me, a new set of "girls."

Here is how he described the process: After my last chemo on Dec. 29th, I will probably wait about 4 weeks until my blood counts are back to normal before having surgery done. Then, my breast surgeon, Dr. Fredrickson, will remove the tumor and breast tissue. I am fairly certain I will have a double mastectomy. An MRI and biopsies showed I have several benign fatty tumors in my left breast and I wouldn't want those to hide any new cancerous growths in the future, and since reconstruction is covered by insurance in my case, I am opting to have a brand new set of breasts. After Dr. F is done removing the breasts and the cancer, Dr. Sigalove will go in and insert inflatable "spacers". These will be filled weekly in his office until they are the desired size. They stretch the skin that will be left on my chest to make room for permanent implants that will be inserted much later, after radiation is complete. After surgery, I will have drainage tubes for two weeks. This grosses me out a little, but I'll get over it.

For this surgery I can expect a one to two night hospital stay. Then I will stay at home to recuperate for at least two weeks, maybe more. I will go to get the spacers filled weekly and once they are filled to the desired size, then I begin my radiation treatments. At this point I have been told they will be daily for 6 1/2 weeks. Dr. S said that he will not do the second reconstructive surgery until 3 to 6 months after radiation has ended because the skin in the radiated area will need time to heal and get back to normal. So we are looking at not being finished with the process until at least August.

If the radiated area looks good and has healed properly, then Dr. S will go in through the bottom of the breast, make an incision, remove the spacers and insert a permanent, and perky, implant. If the skin is not as desired, they will pull skin from my back, under and past my armpit, and create a new breast with that. He also talked to us about a procedure where fat from my belly (liposuction) could be used to make the breast more natural-looking. Hey, if the insurance would still cover it, I am all about getting rid of some belly fat!

Dr. S really seemed to know what he was talking about. I probably won't see him again until the surgery itself. I feel comfortable with him and know that he has already worked with my other two doctors and that they trust him.

The idea of losing my real breasts doesn't really bother me since they have served their purpose and I know that I will get new ones. What does make me nervous is the idea of surgery. Not the surgery itself, per se, but the recovery. What seems to be making me the most nervous is the idea of waking up after and having ugly scars on my chest and tubes sticking out and feeling out-of-it and sore. I know that will only be temporary, but it is what scares me most.

The other decision I have to make is whether or not I want reconstructed nipples. Here is my dilemma: I work hard to make sure no one can see my nipples. I find it embarrassing. I don't want the world to know when I am cold or otherwise aroused. I purposely buy bras that make sure my headlights are concealed. The idea of having my breast reconstructed without nipples is intriguing to me. I could wear a tank top or strapless dress in the summer without a bra and no one would be the wiser! I'd have perky new boobs (at least for a while), so why not take advantage? Since reconstructed breasts are pretty much numb anyway, what purpose does a fake nipple serve? I am very curious to hear your opinions. Feel free to post and give me the pros and cons, especially those who may have had reconstruction, but everyone's ideas are welcome.

Don't Call It a Comeback

It's been a while. I apologize to those of you who were following my blog regularly for updates and have had to wait a whole month and a half between entries. I got lazy. Plus, there really wasn't a whole lot to say. I worked all week, came home tired, had papers to grade (which I still do - that seems to be one of the constant things I can depend on in my life), and then on Saturdays I'd sleep most of the day away and have to catch up on stuff on Sunday. That didn't leave me a whole lot of time for blogging.

For the most part, I really can't complain about the side effects of chemo. The first round left me nauseated and even though I had started round two, I think the effects of round one were still with me for a while. I would wake up on Saturday mornings, late, and then want to do nothing but lay around and sleep some more. I was exhausted and couldn't focus enough to read a book or grade papers. Top that off with no appetite and an inability to keep meals down when I did eat them and that is pretty much how my weekends were.

Now, fortunately, I have gotten over that hump and am not as tired on Saturdays and my appetite and ability to keep food down is back to normal! Yay! Some other good news is that my hair is starting to grow back in. Right now it is just a layer of downy-like fuzz but it is there nonetheless. Once I am done with chemo treatments in three more weeks, my hair should start to grow back for real. Sadly, I believe it is coming in all gray which is a total bummer. This leads me to wonder if I will go back to coloring it, or use this as an excuse to say life is too short to worry about coloring my hair every few weeks. I'll have to play it by ear and see how it looks. I feel 42 is way too young to be gray! But, who knows, maybe I'll rock it.

This Thursday I meet with a plastic surgeon to discuss my reconstruction options. According to his receptionist, he won't even start the process until after I am done with radiation, so that may not be until summer. I'll post again after I've learned more from him.

December 29th will be my last true chemo appointment. After that date I will have to go to the infusion center once every three weeks for Herceptin until late August. It only takes half an hour to administer that IV (unlike my 4 and sometimes 5 hour chemo visits) and there are no side-effects from it, so that should be smooth sailing and I won't have to take 1/2 days off of work anymore.

On Jan. 12th I meet with my breast surgeon and we will discuss surgery. Prior to this I will have an MRI so that we can see how small the tumor has shrunk. We do know that it has shrunken but an MRI will tell us exactly how much. I am guessing surgery will happen in late January or early February. I will have to take a couple of weeks off of work and then should be ready to go back. After surgery, I will do 6 1/2 weeks of daily radiation treatments. By the time the school year is over, I should have some hair (I'm hoping at least a pixie cut) and will only have to worry about my every three week Herceptin treatments.

I'm getting there! According to my oncologist everything is going as planned. The tumor is shrinking and I haven't had any really bad side-effects. If I can just get my veins to cooperate for the last three chemo treatments I will be all good. I have never had the kind of veins in my hands that stick out, but in the beginning, they were visible. As chemo has proceeded, they have disappeared. They are hiding way down deep under my skin, not wanting to be poked or prodded. It makes it really difficult for the chemo nurses to insert my IV when I go in. There is one nurse, Gwen, that I like to call "The Vein Whisperer" because no matter what, she always finds a good one. It's funny, but now, I notice people's veins and think to myself, "Ooh, he/she has great veins! The nurses would like him/her!"

That's all for now. I have only one more week of work before Winter Break, so I will have more blogging opportunities soon. I'll post again soon.