The side-effects of chemo have been getting worse and worse. I know that by comparison, I haven't had it all that bad, but I am beginning to know what bad is. When I first started chemo, I was given a prescription for a drug to take at home when I felt nauseous. I have been taking it, but it seems to no longer work, or simply the act of swallowing the pill itself, sets off my stomach, causing me to vomit. I usually feel the worst on Monday and Tuesday following my Thursday treatments. This Monday and Tuesday I felt like I'd been hit by an 18-wheeler. I stayed home from work both days, feeling completely exhausted and nauseated.
All I could do during those days was sleep and lounge. I had no desire to eat and if/when I did, it ended up coming back up at least once a day. Just taking a shower was an ordeal from which I would have to sit down and rest when I was done. Seriously, it is the worst.
I am constantly accompanied by my trusty can of Canadra Dry Ginger Ale. She is my new best friend and sometimes the only thing I can stomach drinking. Water tastes too blah. I like the carbonation.
Last night I cried a little. I don't like having cancer, not that you are supposed to. The other night I kept tossing and turning, thinking about the meds I've taken and the ones I am yet to receive. It caused me to throw up bright and early that morning. I know I should be thankful that my first round of chemo is over and that the next round, though weekly, should be less intense (I'll believe that when I experience it) but I can't help but thinking, I still have 12 weeks of this madness to endure! Even though I know I have had my last dose, I can still feel the Citoxcin (sp) in my sinuses. I think this is a HUGE part of my nausea problem. I feel like I smell like cancer. I smell like chemicals. Beni says it's all in my head and maybe it is - literally -in my nose.
When I am having horrible days, I dread going back to the chemo chair. While I am there, it's fine, but I still can't help but feel sick about the idea of feeling sick. I am probably just one day away from feeling "normal" - I hope. But until that day comes, I feel a long way away from normal.
I know this is going to make you all feel bad and post really nice and supportive things, but I am not writing this for sympathy. Instead, go get a mammogram or a yearly physical. I do not wish this on my worst enemy (not that I have one). Cancer is endurable but it SUCKS! I really do hate you, cancer!
2 comments:
It seems to me that you have done an amazing job with this battle. I'm sorry it's not going as well (as well as it can) as it was in the begining, but lets hope and pray that the next stuff you have to endure, might not be as bad. HANG IN THERE!!! You are on your way and you CAN do this. Love to you and the fam.
Ahh...the chemo chair...i remember it well. I have to visit it tomorrow as a matter of fact, for a port flush!
I PROMISE that all of this will eventually become a distant (albeit awful) memory! It's ok to cry, it's ok to HATE it and it's ok to want to scream from the frustration of it all! At times, it was hard to remember what "normal' felt like! I think the next round of chemicals will be easier on your stomach...harder on your muscles and bones...but much easier on your stomach!
You WILL get through this! Don't push yourself, Fran. Your body is being traumatized....listen to it!
If you are tired...REST! Lounge around watching your favorite movies....mindless stuff just to get through it.
I'm praying for you! I will offer my mass for you this Sunday. Perhaps the Eucharist is just what the Doctor ordered!
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